More today

Ok, so I'm going to wait until Friday to weigh myself! I'd rather see larger number than like a pound. I just want so badly to see 15x on the scale! So, Friday it is. Actually waiting and not knowing my weight has made my intake less today.
So far had:

2 all brans -260
3 coffees - 100
1 hazelnut coffee mix -160
tuna salad thai - 200
1 cup grapes - 60

So far: 720
not bad!
dinner will be as light as possible.
must run tonight!

Doing Good...

Well, I stuck with everything yesterday! I even resisted chips that my boyfriend was eating! He likes to eat alot of junk at night and I'm almost ALWAYS tempted! So pat on the back..
Yesterday, my total was 1280 cals. For dinner was spaghetti squash with sauce. It was delicious. There are leftovers, so same thing for dinner again tonight!
I haven't weighed myself yet, but I will after my coffees.
I usually drink like 2-3 coffees in the morning..no sugar...but quite a bit of cream. SO, to be safe, I usually tack on an extra 100 calories a day in coffee alone!
eek!
Well, at least it makes me happy!
Anyways, on the menu today:

8am- 3 coffees -100
10am- All bran bar - 130
11am- All bran bar - 130
Monster drink - 10
monster drink - 10
1pm - 1 cup grapes - 100
1pm - Thai Tuna Salad (delicious, pre-made by Oceans) - 200
1pm- Yogurt 40
2pm- Green Apple -80
3pm- Red apple- 80
-----------------------
880 cals
I gotta say, I never ever feel hungry during the day...you see how much I'm eating all day! Plus..as you can see...over 20 grams of fiber so far here. So, before dinner, total cals = 880. Which leaves me approx. 400 cals for dinner, which is easy..considering the dinner tonight :)
Go Team!
Bah... there is so much I want to buy and can't afford right now, so I am setting some goals...
at 155 - Over the knee black suede boots from Aldo - 120$ (even though I'd LOVE the black leather Rudsak ones...350$ :()
at 150 - This awesome wool coat from Victoria's secret - 148$
at 145 - new pair of skinny jeans with zipper at bottom
at 140 - not sure yet...
anyways, I'll write a little later.

Booya!

So, weird. Anyways, after a long weekend of eating like crap..I fasted all day monday and for dinner had a mushroom onion and cheese omelette (max 400 cals). Today, I weighed myself and I'm at 165. But it's ok...cause I actually feel really good and I'm super motivated right now. Plus I'm PMSing (I can tell by my boobs). I don't actually get my period anymore..it goes on and off depending on my eating habits. It's been off for like 6 months now. But I still PMS...go figure. My boobs really hurt and I get horrible ugly skin and feel depressed and get bloated.
Anyways, since my PMS should be gone any day now, I"m already feeling great. I have 2 occasions to lose weight for.
This Sunday we have a dinner with my in-laws (future in-laws) and brother in-law (future)and the last time they saw me they had commented on the fact that I don't have any weight problems ..that I'm lucky...I never gain weight. I wish they would comment on the fact that I'm slim. I've lost 25 pounds since they've known me, but because I see them so often, they barely notice. Anyways, this Sunday, my goal is for them to notice! LOL. I know, I'm crazy! Since no scales allowed in the home (as per my man), I will weigh myself on Friday. I NEED to see 15-something. That I haven't seen in a REALLY LONG TIME! I know i'll be down to 161 by tommorow...cause of bloat..but I think 160 is my plateau. It's been years,....trust me! So..then...my next occasion is the following weekend..thanskgiving.
My whole family will be their! I want everyone to notice! yes..I think I'm an attention whore. It's ok..I'm not in denial.
So..I have my plan... I pretty much ran all summer. Every second day...for like an hour. That's what helped me lose weight. I've actually stopped for like a month now...so..this week..back to running AND diet. That should get me done for Friday.
My diet...which is 1200 calories. It may seem like alot to alot of you...but I am tall..I don't want to fuck up my metabolism and I run (which burns 450 every time) and I can sustain 1200 for like months...so it works for me..
Also..I a really great diet plan...if any of you would like. It works!
In the morning you can eat like up to 400 calories...but this is the only time when you can have high carb...but it HAS to be VERY HIGH FIBER.
Then lunch is a big salad...a fruit, some veggies, a sandwich (check your bread..looooow calories and high fiber...I use the sugar free, fat free, low calorie, high fiber bread) with low fat turkey and mustard.
Then dinner...make sure it is at least 5 hours before bedtime and no CARBS AT ALL.
Breakfast
I have my two all bran bars in the AM. One at 10am and one at 11am. They each have 4 grams of fiber...so they really curb any hunger. (260 calories in the AM)
Then, I have an energy drink (Monster Low-Carb -10cals)
Then,
lunch at 1pm. A yogurt. 30 cals (the one with no sugar), my special salad (1/2 tomatoe chopped, 1/4 red onion chopped, 1/2 cucumber chopped, 4 olives cut in half, and sundried tomatoe and basil salad dressing -low cal (45 cals per tsp) (salad total...I round up as much as possible of course -250)
A sandwich on this bread:


For 2 slices..it has 120 cals..and 3 grams of fiber...
Add to it some mustard (o cals) and schneiders low fat turkey 3 slices (50 cals) and good protein...and voila...there's lunch...and i'm full at the end of it! Then I have another Monster drink in the afternoon (10 cals)
Then dinner...well tonight...you bake spaghetti squash ..then string it out...so it's carb free noodles. 1 cup = 45 calories...and I might have 2 cups.
Then I add my lean ground beef spaghetti sauce...just for fun..we'll round it up as well ..300 cals.
So...In the end of the day...
I have eaten 1230 cals!
11 grams of fiber and more!
Veyr low fat!
VERY healthy and my metabolism is revving..
and I will run...so minus 450

my total then is 780 for the day!
Booya!

Today - 161 lbs

I've been on blogs for years reading all of your entries and I think I am ready to start writing as well. I'm not the best at following through with things, so I kind of want to prove to myself that I can finish something. I used to have a blog, but I was so bad at updating it. It's ironic..because on bad days, I wouldn't write. And because I didn't write..I would kind of fall ofF track.
So, here it is. I am starting fresh. I promise to write at least twice a week (maybe once if I'm insanely busy).
sO, my story is rather boring and common, but whatever. I need this place to keep me on track.
I was and always will be a very happy person, nothing bad has ever happened to me..I just vain.
wow.
I've actually never admitted that..even to myself.
Call it pathetical, if you will...but I look at my reflection through every possible surface I can find...mirrors, car windows, restaurant and building windows, EVERYWHERE. I am always looking and scrutinizing my body.
I have been doing this for years! Since I was 14. I am now 26.
I had reached my current height of 5'11 at 14 years old. I was always taller than everyone. Being taller, people always call you big. At the time, I was actually skinny. Like bony. But, being a swimmer, I had broad shoulders. I was called husky once by my best friend. I guess that's not the adjective you want to be described as. I was also kind of tomboyish.
anyways, that's all history. since that day...I started dieting.
I remeber writing in a journal everything I ate. I would have a juice box or two, a little bag of chips and an orange. I did this for a while. Then I would eat normal again. Then I would starve again. I remember though, I always weighed 145 lbs. Never less, never more.
Spring forward a few years. Just out of college, I had put on weight. I was now 190 lbs, and now all of my mother's dreams of me becoming a model...shattered.
I didn't care much, because I was partying. I wasn't fat...just a bit overweight. did drugs, ate, drank..etc etc..
TO be honest, I was always used to getting every single thing I ever wanted. I got away with everything because men found me attractive and I always had my choice of men.
Except one.
I had decided one night...that I would have my first one night stand. He was the most gorgeous man ever. seriously. And he only called me 2 weeks later.
I thought for sure somethign was wrong with me. It must've been becasue I was too fat.
SO, I started purging. It was actually something I was good at. I could ever vomit withiout the use of my fingers. Just bend over.. and voila. I could do it silently also!

Anwyays, as I am sure you all know...purging doesn't work. I gained weight from the excessive calories and pretty much hit an all time low. I decided to embark on a 30 day water fast. I drank only water for 30 days. I lost 30 pounds and was now at 170. Everyone told me how great I looked...I started partying..a little too much and started doing more drugs. Hit anotehr low...in the drug dept and decided to move away.
I left my party city...and went out west to stay with some family and get clean.
I went their for 3 months...
and came back home 3 months later and weighed...

GASP...


225 lbs - HWENA (highest weight ever...will never be that again!)

Anyways, that weight didn't stay on too long. I finally stabilized at 190 a month later.

Since then, I have had struggles. I will occasionally starve myself for days..then binge eat...then vomit.

I love starving though.
I love feeling cold.
I love the way my clothes feel.
I love when people tell me I need to gain a few pounds.

I am now 160. It's decent for normal people.

I have an UGW for 125...for now.
It'll probably change when I get their, but I'd be really happy.

Since being 190..I find I just keep losing weight. I was wondering, do you guys starve for a few days? Then bigne for a few and so on? I also started running and that helped me lose those last 11 pounds.

I like seeing the bones in my wrists. They are very prominent. I measure myself daily.
My wrist today are: 6 inches
My waist is: 28 inches
My hips are: 39 inches...yikes..i know

Do you guys also like seeing your ankles and feet bony? I know...it may sound weird..but it looks so pretty.
I can also see my collar bone and three bones under. As well as my ribcage.
I look at my back every morning. I bend and look to see for changes. I now see my entire spine when i bend and I see all my back bones.
I want it to look like that when I am not bending.
I also don't want to become too bony...like to the point where you will die.
I don't want to die.
I want to live.
I want to be perfect.
I will remain vain.

Love me or hate me, it's me.

M.