Today - 161 lbs

I've been on blogs for years reading all of your entries and I think I am ready to start writing as well. I'm not the best at following through with things, so I kind of want to prove to myself that I can finish something. I used to have a blog, but I was so bad at updating it. It's ironic..because on bad days, I wouldn't write. And because I didn't write..I would kind of fall ofF track.
So, here it is. I am starting fresh. I promise to write at least twice a week (maybe once if I'm insanely busy).
sO, my story is rather boring and common, but whatever. I need this place to keep me on track.
I was and always will be a very happy person, nothing bad has ever happened to me..I just vain.
wow.
I've actually never admitted that..even to myself.
Call it pathetical, if you will...but I look at my reflection through every possible surface I can find...mirrors, car windows, restaurant and building windows, EVERYWHERE. I am always looking and scrutinizing my body.
I have been doing this for years! Since I was 14. I am now 26.
I had reached my current height of 5'11 at 14 years old. I was always taller than everyone. Being taller, people always call you big. At the time, I was actually skinny. Like bony. But, being a swimmer, I had broad shoulders. I was called husky once by my best friend. I guess that's not the adjective you want to be described as. I was also kind of tomboyish.
anyways, that's all history. since that day...I started dieting.
I remeber writing in a journal everything I ate. I would have a juice box or two, a little bag of chips and an orange. I did this for a while. Then I would eat normal again. Then I would starve again. I remember though, I always weighed 145 lbs. Never less, never more.
Spring forward a few years. Just out of college, I had put on weight. I was now 190 lbs, and now all of my mother's dreams of me becoming a model...shattered.
I didn't care much, because I was partying. I wasn't fat...just a bit overweight. did drugs, ate, drank..etc etc..
TO be honest, I was always used to getting every single thing I ever wanted. I got away with everything because men found me attractive and I always had my choice of men.
Except one.
I had decided one night...that I would have my first one night stand. He was the most gorgeous man ever. seriously. And he only called me 2 weeks later.
I thought for sure somethign was wrong with me. It must've been becasue I was too fat.
SO, I started purging. It was actually something I was good at. I could ever vomit withiout the use of my fingers. Just bend over.. and voila. I could do it silently also!

Anwyays, as I am sure you all know...purging doesn't work. I gained weight from the excessive calories and pretty much hit an all time low. I decided to embark on a 30 day water fast. I drank only water for 30 days. I lost 30 pounds and was now at 170. Everyone told me how great I looked...I started partying..a little too much and started doing more drugs. Hit anotehr low...in the drug dept and decided to move away.
I left my party city...and went out west to stay with some family and get clean.
I went their for 3 months...
and came back home 3 months later and weighed...

GASP...


225 lbs - HWENA (highest weight ever...will never be that again!)

Anyways, that weight didn't stay on too long. I finally stabilized at 190 a month later.

Since then, I have had struggles. I will occasionally starve myself for days..then binge eat...then vomit.

I love starving though.
I love feeling cold.
I love the way my clothes feel.
I love when people tell me I need to gain a few pounds.

I am now 160. It's decent for normal people.

I have an UGW for 125...for now.
It'll probably change when I get their, but I'd be really happy.

Since being 190..I find I just keep losing weight. I was wondering, do you guys starve for a few days? Then bigne for a few and so on? I also started running and that helped me lose those last 11 pounds.

I like seeing the bones in my wrists. They are very prominent. I measure myself daily.
My wrist today are: 6 inches
My waist is: 28 inches
My hips are: 39 inches...yikes..i know

Do you guys also like seeing your ankles and feet bony? I know...it may sound weird..but it looks so pretty.
I can also see my collar bone and three bones under. As well as my ribcage.
I look at my back every morning. I bend and look to see for changes. I now see my entire spine when i bend and I see all my back bones.
I want it to look like that when I am not bending.
I also don't want to become too bony...like to the point where you will die.
I don't want to die.
I want to live.
I want to be perfect.
I will remain vain.

Love me or hate me, it's me.

M.