decent

So, doing well today...so far I've had an apple.
I am going to a meeting for lunch...we are going to a restaurant...i will have a salad...with chicken. :)
I never feel bad about calories when it's a carb-free meal. do u guys feel the same?
Just wondering...am I too old to be the way I am? I notice alot of people in their early teens or udner 21...but I'm 26. I have been this way on and off since 14. But is 26 too old???? Like...i'm going to be a wife and hopefully a mother one day...it just doesn't seem like it all fits..
I wanna be a yummy mummy ... and dress really well!!

will keep on keepin today

i just needed to write again to keep myself from eating. I REALLY want to eat less than 500 cals today. I will feel happy about myself if I do.
So far, today I have had a banana and a peice of chocolate from a lindt box
Total: 160

For dinner, I know it's either 1/4 of a delissio pizza
OR
tuna?
not sure

tuesdays

Every day I come to work and count the days till friday. 3 more to go after today. I hate my job :( Sometimes I love it, but it general I just want a new job. My FIANCÉ (yay) and I read our chinese astrology forecasts last night. I'm a pig (go figure) and he's a rat and lately things have been sooo tight in the money dept. We have 2 homes to pay mortgages on (our cottage and our city house) and it's just soooo tight. I literally cannot shop anymore. I usually would order a pair or two of shoes online from aldo a month and buy nice clothes, but we really can't afford it right now..but it's ok...cause it will get better...at some point in our lives, I think we're all house poor.
Anwyays, I was good all day...then got home and ate bad stuff. If I get my period this month...it would be in like 3 days... so I'm really hoping this out of control depressive behaviour is PMS related. I'm a complete mess.
I'm excited to get married...we're going to do it in Cuba on the beach :) yay!
Please god...let me not eat much today.
I didn't bring a lunch...only protein power (the carb free kind)
If I have two shakes today...that would be optimal!
1 shake - 110 cals plus 100 cals in milk and 50 cals in honey. - 250 each

I'm engaged!

Well, I just wanted to let you guys know...on friday night,...my man proposed....with an amazing princess 1.5 carat solitaire diamond! OMG!!!!
anyways...i had a decent weekend for the amount I was forced to eat. lol! Everyone took us out for dinner..so inevitably...I ate..
But...I usually binge every weekend...so this was a good weekend.
Today is monday! I love that I come into work...and I immediately become disciplined. It's like I associate work with not eating...perfect!
So...today ...back to my insane amounts of caffeine..
I had a decent sized peice of cake...someone made it for me...how nice :S
so..I'll say im at 350 so far..
its ok ...for lunch i have a teriyaki bowl = 310 cals.
I have an apple ... 80
and that's all I'll have.
Dinner tonight...will stick to 400.
And i'm starting back on exercise officially.
Weight training daily.. different muscle groups every other day
Running...it's starting to get cold..so we'll see.

On a roll....

Going on my 4th day of being good :)
I'm so proud...
I feel like I don't wanna ruin anything by weighing myself! Even though I will when I go to my parents this weekend.
Man... I seriously run my life according to my gravitational pull on this earth.
I'm getting thin...
Everyone is noticing :)
I love it.

Today -
B- bar 170
l- apple - 80
bean salad - 500
banana - 100

and for dinner....i think i will have a double cheeseburger....440 :)

or not...

my goal is to try and attempt missing it.

doing great!

Well, I'm doing really great...definitely been under 1200 calories for the past two days...today is my 3rd day. I will be super good today. I want to look really thin when i see my parents saturday.
My boyfriend and I were talking last night..and he's just the best...he is so calm with me when we talk about the ED. He knows full on about it, but it's cute how he is with me. He watches over me and makes me eat sometimes. I love him. I can't wait till he proposes. I have a feeling it's gonna be soon :)
Today: sweet n salty bar - 170
S- apple - 100
lunch - mixed beans with tuna and celery and olive oil and cider vingar and red onions - i have no idea...but it's DEFINITELY HEART HEALTHY and good for me .. so i'll say 500 :) it's alot...but better be safe..and it should keep me full for a long time
s- yogurt - 40
s- banana - 100

total during day - 900 cals.
dinner...i will make light must be under 300 cals :)

Then I'm good.

you tube

So, I was reading someone's blog and they had a link to a youtube video of a woman who fasted for 40 days 3 times in a row! Insane! I have fasted in the past for 30 days! It was such an amazing feeling! I drank ONLY water. It was really hard the first few days....but after day 5...I was no longer hungry. Then, at day 14, my tongue turned white. I also had all this energy. It was so weird. I felt like I was floating...not to mention I lost 30 pounds :)
The girl on the video looked really scary at the end. I really didn't like the wrinkles around her mouth...how when she talked...they would move.
I hope I never get to that...
It's just...if I ever do...I probably will still think I'm fat. Ironic eh?
I looked at old pictures last night and I couldn't beleive how grossly fat I looked. At the time, I was still dieting, but I thought I looked ok. Then, as you go through the pics and they become more recent...I get slimmer and slimmer and slimmer :) But, I personally don't see a difference in myself. I have to see pics to kind of see...and even then..I still think I resemble them.
Anyways...last month I got my period for the first time in months.
Initially I was happy...cause I want babies one day....
but then I got depressed....does that mean I'm fatter?
I'm expecting it again at the end of the month...
I wonder what'll happen.

Today:
1 banana - 100
2 fibre bars - 300

for lunch i have:
salad - 200
yogurt - 40

650 total...
leaving me 150-200 for dinner...perfect :)


Anwyays, my boyfriend is being so good right now...he knows I have this issue and usually he gets mad at me...but now..he just seems more caring about it and understanding...by the things he's said...i know he's done his research...but he always tells me how beautiful i am :) And when I tell him I'm fat...he tears up.. it's so sweet. When I show him pics of the past..he says "that's a good weight for you" and i've lost alot since...
so it's like he's making me feel better...and being supportive...
can't wait to marry that man.
Oh, how I love him!
I feel so light today!

today will be great

Yesterday. Was bad. Do you guys ever have one of those massive binge days? The kinda where you literally eat more than 3000 calories??? I get those maybe once every few weeks... and I eat so much and feel like such crap that the next day I start on a restrictive insane diet.
Well, yesterday was one of those horrible days. Of course, I didn't write...I was too ashamed. And today... I feel great. I don't feel bloated...and I only have positive thoughts in my head. Thoughts of how today will be so empty. I can feel it already. Today I will stick to coffee and water. Maybe have an apple, maybe a banana. Dinner, I will try and get out of. It's hard sometimes with my boyfriend watching and all...but I will attempt.
Because I need such such encouragement...I think I will post a pic of myself. When I do this, it usually motivates me big time! Obviously...seeing a photo of yourself usually does it :)
So, I hope you are all having a wonderful day! I just wanted to thank you all for your amazing posts. They are so inspirational. I'm not sure if any of you read my posts, but I love to write them, hoping that maybe I'm inspiring just one person.
xoxo

happy and not

Fuck. I feel so morbid today again. This has been a really awful week. I had to go with my baby cousin to get an abortion cause she was assaulted :( I feel like I'm just walking around at work like a ghost. It's like i'm watching everyone, but they can't see me. People have been weird with me at work. Maybe I'll be laid off. That would be great... I know that sounds weird...but I've never not worked...I'd like to take a month off, collect unemployment and figure shit out.
I'd love to be like a Rachel Zoe...a fashion stylist
Or a fashion consultant. somehting like that.
I've always had a knack to be able to look at people and decide what would make them look the best!
I used to do it to all my friends...put makeup on them, do their hair and give them makeovers. They would end up looking spectacular!
anwyays...i'm just really morbid right now...and it's helping me not eat. I just feel like this big knot in my tummy. I feel so bad for her and I want to do something...i just wish i could kill this mofo! anywyas...as long as I'm their for her...that's what she needs.
fuck. im depressed.
ill be back monday...or if i can sneak in an entry over the weekend...that would be great..but prolly not cause i have my b/f watching over me.
xoxo

back today

Well, I had a few days off. I did soooo incredibly well over the holiday and so well afterwards :) I don't want to weight myself until tommorow cause I want to see a huge number! I want to see like 158. I'd be happy. On Tuesday I didn't eat at work...meaning...the only time i ate tuesday was dinner...i had an omelette. Is it considered fasting if I don't eat all day then only eat dinner? Will I lose alot doing that, or will it just slow down my metabolism.
Today, so far..I've had this new kinda fibre bar...it's better than all bran...it has 5 grams instead of 4! And it tastes delicious!!! It has peanut butter on it!
So, i've had that - 150. I HAD to eat this peice of sweet bread (panatone or soemthing like it...the woman gave it to me and is like...i wanna see your reaction!) So, I ate the whole damn peice in front of her...it was yummy! Anyways, After I ate it...I'm CERTAIN my blood sugar kicked in...cause I wanted to binge all day on sweets...and I almost said FUCK IT...but..guess what? something told me not to...just deal with it...and move on.. I think it was ana! So...I ate something bad...and I wasn't gonna dwell on it as usual. So, panatone..i'm gonna say 300 to be safe.
And I am eating 2 apples. 160.
So, so far for today... 610
dinner will be 2 eggs, with 1 ouz cheese and some onions and a tsp butter - 350

so...1000...
that's good for me :)
xoxox

Bleh

Well, My boyfriends ex-wife is pregnant with her new husband.
I don't know why ... but it upsets me...she's taking all the attention away. I know by b/f can't stand her...but he must be a bit upset that she's alreayd married and pregnant so fast. HE says...he really doesn't care...he just is worried that his kids..(the have 3 together) might not cope so well..
Anyways, I am fasting today. I don't know me weight...but I'm doign VERY well. Everyone has been bothering me to gain weight...and now that i HEARD THIS NEWS....which takes attention away from me...I will need to make up for it.
To be honest...the only thing that bothers me is that my in-laws are going to be horrified...THEY ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HER!!! This will just be more ammo for them and more to talk about her..now I get to never hear the end of her! They always say they love me sooo much and are sooo happy their son is with someone so amazing ...and blah blah blah...but then why do they always bring HER up?
I am soooo fucking tired of it.
sorry..I sound like a raging bitch..but it really sucks that she has to be a part of our life in the first place. and it's weird, cause my b/f can't stand her. It's like..the only reason I'm upset is cause his parents bring her up all the time...and I'm used to being totally adored by parents. EVERY single one of my boyfriends parents would go on and on and on about me...but not these people!
anyways...forget it...we have our life...and all is good. I want kids...but I don't want to rush...i'm only 26 and I don't need to get fat...

ok..so what did I expect?

so yea...I didn't make it. 161 today! BLEH! Whatever...I'll get over it. Being a complete ass..I actually ate a SUPERSIZED caramilk bar. It actually had 500 calories! WTF is up with that?
anyways..I'm not gonna cry over it..cause I did it. If only I could keep the mouth closed and put the friggin fork down..I'd be happy.
I found this AWESOME site.
http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php
It will tell you when you can acheive your ideal weight. And more...!
So..I put in my weight...and if I eat 1000 calories a day without exercise (which i can't live without)...I can be 125 lbs by march 2, 2010.
OR...If I workout everyday...prolly about an hour...I can be 123 new years!!!!!

I'm gonna put this chart to the test...
So everyday...workout...and eat 1000 calories a day...easy enough...(providing I keep la bouche fermer!)
So...next friday I should be 157...
I'll keep you posted!
Day WEIGHT
10/16/2009 157.1
10/23/2009 153.77
10/30/2009 150.49
11/06/2009 147.27
11/13/2009 144.09
11/20/2009 140.96
11/27/2009 137.88
12/04/2009 134.85
12/11/2009 131.87
12/18/2009 128.93
12/25/2009 126.04
01/01/2010 123.19
01/08/2010 120.39
01/15/2010 117.63
01/22/2010 114.91
01/29/2010 112.24
02/05/2010 109.6
02/12/2010 107.01
02/19/2010 104.46
02/26/2010 101.95
03/05/2010 99.48

Sick TodaY

Well, I have a cold. It's freezing out...but it's almost Friday :) I am so excited to see my whole family and have thanksgiving. I love when we have family get togethers! Anyways, I went running last night. I could only do 5k...my throat was soooo dry!
This summer, I pretty much lost 12 pounds and looked ALOT slimmer by running and doing weights.
I would run every second day. I started with 1k, then 2k...and eventually every second day I would run 14km.
Then..with weights...I would do them every day..Legs/calves/ankles and stomach one day, then arms/shoulders/back and stomach the other day. Weights i'd do for approx 45 mins. So, always on nights I'd run...I would be doing my arms and abs for weights.
Anyways, this really got me into tip top shape.
I'll post a pic soon of myself.
I watched superisive vs. superskinny last night. It was a repeat! But, either way..we watched it. My b/f loves the show also..lol.
He actually is over weight...but i find him dead sexy..so he always compares us to them! lol!
The girl was SUPER skinny...but I was surprised her waist was 25inches..I know that's small..but she was also 5'4...I'm 5'11 and my waist is 28....so maybe I do have a small waist? It's weird...cause my waist does NOT look like hers..but it makes me wonder sometimes...am I actually crazy? Everyone tells me I am...and that I"m thin..but do you guys REALLY see fat? cause i do. I see cellulite...i pale fat thighs...a flabby belly...and all that.
On a good note...I have wicked nice ankles, wrists and collar bones. They are all really bony and stick out alot...but nicely.
Anwyays, I could relate to tiffany from superskinny...she is addicted to energy drinks..like me. Anywyas, I love that show! The big guy on it...seemed sooo nice!!! I hope he find love one day...maybe if he loses some weight...he'd be good with Tiffany!
anwyays, it's my BFF's b-day tommorow night...I gotta get her something...i'm thinking of getting her a charm bracelet with a cheesy bff charm on it!

post #2

haha...so a second post...cause I have all of you on my mind. I have a question...is this normal? Or just extremely vain... One of my goals is for my in-laws to notice my weight loss. I want them to tell me I'm too thin! My parents do and my brother always does...but I want them too! The reason is...cause they think I have no weight problem whatsoever..i just eat what i want and never gain weight. Which is kind of true...BUT...they noticed their ex-daughter in law...and she used to be really fat and would lose alot of weight...then gain it back...so they have mentioned that she drops weight like THAT (snap fingers) but then gains it all back. I obviosuly never want to be fat at all. And god forbid they should ever see me chunky...but I want them to think I'm skinny. NOT NORMAL!
wow...I guess I answered my own question....
I'm an attention whore...
I just love being noticed.
Do you?

crappy rainy day

Ok, so I am officially depressed today :( I hate this weather and I'm starting to hate my job. I am going to eat very little today...I purposely didn't bring much of a lunch. I will have my usual coffees/monsters. I will have this nut bar I bought (210)...2 yogurts (80) and 2 apples (160)..
Let's round up and say 500 calories for the day.
perfect.
Tommorow I will be 160.
Oh cool...I just added one of those weight ticker thingies! I put in the weight I once was a year or two back...and the weight i'd like to be...125..
I have been 117 before. But 125 is good for me.
So, my BMI right now is 22.7 BLEH! To be underweight...i need to be 135. And once I reach 125...my BMI will be 17. I like that. I wonder what my waist will be. It is currently 28. Do you guys take your measurements as well? I do every morning! I only check my waist and hips though. W: 28 H:39 --> GOAL W:26 H:36

good good

Ok, so 162 today. Can I make it to 159 by friday? I mean 3 pounds...it's nothing right? Why are these pounds so godamn difficult?
bleh...
I'm hating this weather...but loving the nostalgia that comes with it. It's darker outside and all the leaves are blowing everywhere. I seriously can't wait for halloween...it's one of my favorite holidays!
I need to buy a new dress for thanksgiving. I want to look super good!
Then...since I love setting myself goals...I want to be like 125 for x-mas! Is that possible? That might be a lofty goal, eh? Well..I'll be happy if i'm 140. Someone gave me a peice of cake..damnit! I'm just gonna leave it on my desk and look at it. Or give it away! I have a whole thing of veggies for today and I'm going for a 752 calorie burn run tonight! hell yea!

Scale N/A

Well, hello! Hope you all had a great weekend!!! Mine was good...any time off work is wonderful!
I can't weight myself today! ahh! The scale has some large piece of equipment on it! lol. I had a decent weekend with eating.
Today is good so far. I've had my coffees and 2 all bran bars. I need to be skinny by Sunday! 8 lbs and I will look skinny. Right now I just look slim. BLEH! So, friday we are going on a double date...and sunday is thanksgiving...my whole family will be their..i need to look good! So..I will be perfect this week :) I ran 10k yesterday... 752 calories burned...I'm also going to run tommorow...thursday and friday before we go out! I WILL BE in the 15x's by friday! Why the hell is it sooo hard to get their??? It's like my body isn't letting me! Usually when that happens...I think your body needs a boost...something different...so the exercise should kill it!
You know what? I go crazy when I know that women I don't like are losing weight. For me, it;s like a competition. No woman I dislike can be thinner than me! My b/f's ex is losing alot of weihgt....she'll never have my body..but still...she's not allowed to be thin-ish. Also, she has a major history of yo-yoing. Like..the whole time i've known her..she's been VERY large...I'm talking in the 200's. But...she's good at losing weight...and now is close to my weihgt...so...i have to lose more...just to be safe. Is that crazy of me? Do you guys get like that too??
anyways...lunch today..some celery, some cherry tomatoes, a yogurt and a sandwich which i will throw out!
maybe i'll jog again tonight if my joints feel ok
xoxox

Almost Sunday

Well, today went kinda miserably :( I pretty much has two supersized chocolate bars, some pizza. Not feeling too happy right now. I have skipped dinner cause I'm a fat pig. And the reason for all this? I weighed myself at work...still 165...not a budge at all! I magically need to be in the 15x's by sunday...as planned...so ..since i don't have a scale at home i am gonna miss breakfast...somehow...secretly...fuck! and I'm going to have a tiny lunch..
anywyas...i'll give you an update on monday!
Monday will be amazing!
And this will be the first weekend i eat healthy...
usually weekends are rather crappy!
hope you're all doing great :)

Last night sucked

Anywyas, I suck. Last night I had to do something before I got home, so it threw my schedule off. Beofre getting home..I had 4 Jolly Ranchers (50), a nut bar (210), 8 Riesens (400) and 3 lints (220) LOL...I know..disgusting. Then I ate my light spaghetti squash dinner. Then I felt like crap, so I bent over the toilet and purged. I didn't purge alot...but maybe the Riesens.
Anyways, I don't feel bloated or at all like crap, cause that wasn't a big binge for me. A big binge can be like 5000 calories and I feel stuffed a la max. I feel good today actually.
I'm off so far to a wonderful start.
I've found sugar free werther's originals. (they have a laxative effect :). 10 cals each...I've had 5. Also I've had a coffee and a monster and an all Bran.
So far...I'm at 250 cals
I have spaghetti squash for lunch and some grapes...
So it's gonna be a light day for me.
Also, I can skip dinner cause my man is going out with his buddy for a couple of pints!
Tonight is also the best TV night for me...
I don't know if you guys know these shows...but tonight we have:
X-Weighted, last 10 lbs bootcamp, bulging brides, supersize vs. superskinny!
They are the best inspo shows!
I'm gonna paint my nails tonight, give myself a pedicure...hmmm...it's all about me tonight! yay!.
Also, I'm getting a coat from Victoria Secret....which color would be best??? Any advice??? I'm blonde, kinda fair ect etc...
advice needed urgently!